This new book is a magnificent complement to Loy's original work and takes the conversation about workplace woes and their solutions to an entirely new level. The distinctions in Victims, Villains and Heroes: Managing Emotions in the Workplace will forever make a difference in the way you relate to people in both personal and business relationships. I wish I'd had this information when I first began in business. Understanding The Plot has made such a difference in my life, in the lives of my partners and associates and all those who will read this book.
The power of this work was so obvious to us that we implemented the basic teaching in our business programs. Loy is one of the favorite instructors at our Excellerated Business School for Entrepreneurs. Her business relationship technology supports and helps many to have more profitable relationships and thus make more money.
I met Don Phin as a student in the Money and You program presented by Excellerated Business Schools. I was immediately struck by his focus, pragmatism, love and compassion. Don is the prototype of the new professional for the 21st Century. He understands that his professional success, as well as those around him, has as much to do with people's feelings as it does about his technical skills or anything else.
Don's unique ability to bridge various disciplines and take a common-sense approach towards workplace relationships is destined to make a significant contribution to the risk management and compliance industry. We are blessed to have Don working with Loy to coauthor
Victims, Villains and Heroes: Managing Emotions in the Workplace.
This information is universal. Every human being, no matter what race, religion, background, gender or relationship status can benefit from this technology. This is about how we have a tendency to take up others' space and not allow them to express themselves, to be and to grow around us. This is about how we can shrink around certain energies and personalities and not express ourselves fully. This is about becoming a more powerful, clear and loving business person.
I wish you great success in feeling your way out of The Plot.
DC Cordova
Co-Founder
Excellerated Business Schools
INTRODUCTION
"All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances
And one man in his time plays many parts"
Shakespeare's famous lines very aptly describe our emotional nature that fuels all our actions. All of us are actors in a never-ending drama. Drama, be it tragedy or comedy, is what our feelings thrive on
People need action, drama and stories to learn from and to change emotionally. No amount of logic, facts or figures can ever change feelings. That is why reasoning rarely assists you in overcoming any problems of an emotional nature. You need to handle these issues on their own level.
In writing this book, our goal is to give you powerful references to help you identify your emotions and their interplay with relationship scenarios surrounding you at work every day. This book isn't just about what you're thinking while at work. It's also about what you are feeling and how that affects what you think and do.
Indeed, you'll learn how to be a more conscious participant in life, to deal with your feelings in a way that will make you proud and bring you peace. In this book, we'll share many of our clients' true stories with you to illustrate just how this works. To respect the privacy of people who have trusted us on their journeys, however, we have carefully changed and mixed names, locations and any other details that might divulge people's identities. To further ensure privacy, sometimes the characters in the stories are composites of several individuals. The Play's the Thing.
Have you ever sat at your desk, fantasizing about doing your job without having to work with or manage anyone else? Fact is, we all have. Have you ever heard yourself saying, "If people around here would only take some responsibility!"? Ah, this would makes sense, but where'd the drama be in that?
The game of work is being played on an emotional stage to an extent we are only beginning to understand. The task of your emotional nature is to express your feelings so others can identify the role you are playing. Whether at work or home, all of us act out our emotional dramas using just three main character roles.
Emotions can keep all of us playing the same old parts again and again like an aging ingénue who refuses to take on anything different. Often the scenarios are all too familiar, but as we keep finding a new cast, we remain unconscious of the parts we play and the characters we assign others, even when we should have outgrown a role long ago.
And so the book begins…
The World's Most Popular Plot
People rave about and long to star in the popular emotional drama known as Goodness Triumphs Over Evil. Go back to the first written or spoken words, and you'll find this story carefully recorded time and again. Look at the Vedas, the Upanishads, the Bhagavad Gita, the Pali language spoken by the Buddha, the Bible, Egyptian hieroglyphs, the Koran, the writings of Confucius, Zoroastrian literature, even cave drawings. This play has been the hit show of the season for the last few millennia! And it's still running today.
But don't take our word for it. Have a good look at any blockbuster movie, popular television show, long-running Broadway play or best-selling novel right now-or from the last few centuries.
The struggle between good and evil girds the theme of any drama, even the ancient tales passed down orally in temples. Whatever the country, whatever the language, the most archaic and the most advanced teachings deal with warding off and defeating evil. This drama is what our emotional self lives for and is willing to die for.
The negative element is part and parcel of Goodness Triumphs Over Evil as it plays out in everyday lives. Hate and destruction are not exclusively in the domain of Hollywood fantasy. They take a real toll in broken marriages, criminal acts and workplace conflict. The negative energy of this ancient theatrical school for our emotions fills our courtrooms and drives people to therapy sessions, drinking, drugs and ruin.
Life can resemble the movie Groundhog Day, starring Bill Murray, in which he repeats the same day over and over until he gets it right. Most people keep playing the same act again and again, and if the co-stars lose the zest to go on, there's always another performer waiting in the wings to take their places.
A certain script gets acted out every day and in every workplace. It parallels the emotional manner in which people deal with relationships. Whatever workplace you venture into, you will find the same plot being performed wherever two or more people get together, whether it's in the sleek boardroom, by the water cooler or at the project management meeting. The stage may change, but the underlying drama remains the same.
The Emotional Drama's Three Starring Roles
The script of Goodness Triumphs Over Evil features three starring roles: the villain who abuses the victim, the victim who looks to be saved by the hero and the hero who seeks to defeat the villain. Every person's emotions are always auditioning for one of these three roles. Remember, your emotional nature is the actor whose objective is to express feelings.
Relationships are arguably people's favorite emotional game, and what motivates our true feelings is skillfully hidden from the scrutiny of the brain. Humans act out the play with their loved ones, with co-workers and even during time alone.
Through interaction with others, your whole range of feelings, from ecstasy to despair, gets to be expressed. How well you act out your feelings determines whether you end up with applause or egg all over your face. After the curtain comes down, however, The Plot gives you no rest, and you're hustled back on stage in no time at all.
This book puts a spotlight on the three roles all humans have mastered and play with others. You will become aware of your entire repertoire-and everyone else's. Although your emotions will keep you onstage, you may well want to choose your entrances and exits more carefully if you aim to be both happy and successful.
PART I
The Victim
No Agatha Christie mystery, John Grisham legal drama or workplace conflict can do without a victim, the first star in Goodness Triumphs Over Evil. This is by far the role most people choose, especially in a conflict, as it allows for the greatest pathos and is the easiest part to play. The pain, grief and suffering the victim endures can be so heart-wrenchingly and blood-drippingly dramatic!
Everyone auditions for this role many times in life, and no wonder. It's such a seductive role. The hurt and suffering victims endure usually elicit great tenderness. But there is a distinction between real victims and the victim mentality so prevalent today. If you get hit by a Mack truck, you certainly qualify as a real victim. No arguing that. But for purposes of this book, when we talk about the victim role, we are addressing the script you run and the behaviors you adopt to deal with the Mack trucks in life. It's the part you choose to play long after the truck leaves the scene.
When taking on the mantle of victimhood, most people would rather blame somebody and throw themselves a "pity party" when things seem "unfair" than take responsibility and do something about it!
Usually people come to us for help after they've been devastated by a major crisis, such as being abandoned by a partner or getting fired from that ever-so-important job. Hardcore victims wait until misfortune strikes so many times that even they can't help noticing something must be wrong.
Most people need help with their feelings and relationships, as they were not taught relationship skills along with math or science. This difficulty is compounded at work because the control-based theory of personnel management that dominated the last century didn't factor in how people felt. However, dealing with feelings is a complex subject, and one not easily avoided. Its mastery can make all the difference in one's career and organization.
The Portrait of a Victim
Victims need help, as life appears to be far too complex for them to figure out on their own. They're overwhelmed by their own circumstances, and by definition, no victim can have abundant resources. For example, they can't have much money, as that would contradict the role. (It's no wonder many legal claimants are quick to blow money won in a legal contest. The loss of money brings them back to the role they know best: victim.) Nor can they sustain great relationships, the ideal job, or any of the other achievements most of us aspire to.
All victims can eventually find a way to become their own heroes, yet sometimes it takes a long time. After all, most everyone feels for the victim. If you are hooked on getting plenty of emotional juice from playing the victim role, don't be surprised if, no matter what your mind says, your emotional nature continues to seek out abusive people with whom to play this part.
How can it be so enticing to keep returning to a part you should outgrow? Here are some of the feelings the victim role allows you to access:
Everyone experiences periods when they get to play the victim role-including at the workplace, and especially when things feel "unfair" or when they are new to the company, position, or project.
In these rapidly changing times, people can begin many new professional endeavors in a lifetime. Whenever this happens, realize anything new usually involves a learning curve. During this period, people can be like infants and our emotions will have to learn how to crawl before they can run. Like a child, you can fall down many times as you move from the crawling to the walking stage. Eventually, you can run at a speed you like. You're especially vulnerable during the transition time and need a lot of encouragement, even if it's from yourself.
During times of great change, we can break things down and take them step by step so we don't feel overwhelmed. We must be willing to make mistakes without fear of judgment. During these times, management has to first focus on rewarding the effort, not the results. Once encouraged, the results will come and in droves.
If all this is true, then why would anyone play victim? Again, underneath all victims' pain lays a tenderness, a desire for sweet connection. This gentleness and sensuality make the victim role seem worthwhile.
When playing the victim role, you really get to feel, and these heart-wrenching emotions are the rewards:
Every time a victim is saved by a hero, his or her belief in goodness is strengthened. Life is fair. The victim is ready to audition for the role again, as soon as the curtain comes down in the final act.
The Making of a Victim
Hell has no fury like someone's emotional nature ignored. Our feelings are going to be the star of our own play, and everyone else's if possible, whether it's through sickness, tragedy or death if need be.
Many people do not like themselves enough to give their emotions the energy they need. They are running so hard that they fail to check in with themselves. Besides if they did, they might not like what they feel, so it's safer just to keep running. Eventually however, our emotions will get the attention they need, generally from another person.
Our emotional self has no qualms about devouring others if necessary. Being ignored is emotional rejection, which our emotional nature perceives as unfair. Our feelings detect a villain, and the battle for victory begins!
Where does this victim role come from? We need look no farther than our own upbringing. Have you forgotten how it felt to swoon over your high school sweetheart? The buckets you cried when he or she moved away? The agony of a math exam you didn't study for? The first time you rebelled against a parent's control? Do you remember? You probably do now that it's been brought up, but most people are so overwhelmed by the problems and worries of adult life that they forget the feelings of their youth, which often determines how they handle what comes up today.
The techniques acquired for dealing with upsets early in life usually determine the roles our emotional self chooses later on.
Here are some different types of victims and how their roles may affect them at work. Understand that each of these prototypes is an example on a broad spectrum. Each of us may have some or all of these characteristics.
The Submissive Victim
Some parents can be domineering, accepting children only when they are quiet, sweet and demure.
As children mature in this situation, they often stay in the submissive role, speaking with the voice of a child and looking for authoritarian people so they can continue to receive acceptance in the familiar way.
Until these people grow up emotionally and learn to accept themselves, they will often seek bosses, supervisors and other workplace relationships with authoritarian people who echo their domineering parents. They will often put up with harassing and abusive conduct instead of reporting it to management or anyone else who could assist in stopping it.
The Accident-Prone or Chronically Ill Victim
Some people are menaces to themselves and everyone around them. They stumble from one physical calamity to the next. For many, this has nothing to do with genetics. It happens because, as children, they were ignored unless they were the victim of an accident or some kind of illness. Then others would hear them scream and moan for help and rush to save them. Only when these victims learn to give themselves the attention they crave from others will they move past this conduct.
If you're a person who gets ill when you feel ignored and rejected, you need to learn how to give yourself attention. Don't show up late to work, or skip it entirely. Later in the book, we'll offer some nurturing ways to become a caring hero for yourself.
The Sexually Abused Victim
A startling number of the women who visited Loy for therapy and Don for filing a sexual harassment claim were abused as children. We have also worked with some men who were victimized at an early age. Most of these women and men kept their personal history secret until adulthood. Many of them closed down their emotions, at least their sensitive and caring emotions, as the consequence of the devastating experience in childhood. In most cases, consciously or not, they hated not only the relatives who robbed them of their positive energy but most members of the gender who abused them. The consequences in adulthood can be devastating.
How these victims reacted to workplace scenarios would differ dramatically. For example, one woman became an ardent feminist and had head-on collisions with each and every male authority figure in her life. Unfortunately, because of her overriding emotions, she filed a false claim of rape against four men, a rape that by all accounts did not occur. It was not until after deep therapy that she realized she had in fact fabricated the event.
Conversely, we have both represented women who did not know how to say no. Their self-esteem was so low that they could not bring themselves to hold the other person responsible for inappropriate conduct. Instead, they spent their time justifying it, often with excuses such as, "He's really not that bad," "I really need this job," "Hopefully it will just go away," "Maybe I am overreacting," etc.
The noise in our heads, coming from the stories we developed in our past, can be a destructive force in our lives when not properly dealt with.
The Untouched Victim
There are some people who were never hugged or touched while growing up, and to many of them any touch has come to mean foreplay leading to sex. The mind knows the difference, but the emotional nature knows only what it feels. Bodies usually act on feelings, not on thoughts.
For these people, personal space can be a real issue. For example, a friendly touch on the shoulder can quickly turn into a sexual harassment claim.
Be aware that your feelings about personal space, how much you need and how much you give, may not be shared by your fellow employees.
The Battered Victim
One of the most common stage-setters for future victims is having alcoholic parents. Many children suffer brutal beatings that go unchecked and remain secret. Growing up, the only connection they know is through physical and emotional pain. That is intimacy to them, and thus what they continue to seek as adults.
There are many adults who need punishment in one form or another to feel anything at all. And sometimes, self-punishment can be the most constant stimulus for feeling-and the most devastating. These victims often find themselves bouncing from one job to the next and eventually out of work altogether. Or they may regularly get hurt on the job and becoming incapable of working, and filing a disability claim is the ultimate proof of victimhood.
The Learned Victim
We have all seen people who are born into a family or culture of victimhood. However, none of us has seen anybody maintain this emotional position and succeed with it over the long term.
The head of a nationwide organization for people with learning disabilities (herself disabled) told her audience that when things feel unfair at work, the first question should not be "What are my protections under disability law?" but rather "What are my responsibilities under these circumstances?" Rather than looking to blame, she encourages us toward self-determination. So that we can become our own heroes.
There will be people in every company who are expecting to be discriminated against or harassed. According to their story, it always occurs sooner or later, and due to the power of intention and attention, it is indeed bound to show up.
The best we can do is give these victims a different story to focus on. One of inclusion and respect. One of challenge and opportunity. A story that can help them, too, become their own hero by taking responsibility, not by casting blame.
See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil
Working with a large number of victims, both chronic and temporary, we have found many interpretations of that role. But one characteristic is common to all: the perception of purity.
Many victims are innocent believers in goodness. No matter what the circumstances or situations, they never hear or see any evil. Because of their own naiveté, they would buy almost any story. They hang on the words of brilliant and colorful villains, taking every utterance as gospel while steadfastly ignoring behavior that belies those eloquent phrases.
Over and over, we have seen victims who were naive to the point of endangering themselves. These victims not only share all their secrets, but everyone else's as well. Victims give villains all the ammunition they need to abuse them later and when the inevitable happens, they persist in finding good intentions in whatever happens to them. They believe life was designed to be "fair" instead of the never-ending lesson that it is.
Many victims unconsciously encourage and manipulate situations so they can be believable victims. Forgiveness is a quality many victims develop along the way. However, forgiveness does not remedy the situation or bring The Plot to an end. Once the curtain comes down on the current catastrophe, the next plague of locusts is already on its way. The actors are granted only a brief breather before the victim emerges again, with ever more intense feelings.
For example, both of us have had clients with a preconceived idea of who their bosses or co-workers were going to be. When they first met, they projected their fantasies onto the person and remained blind to much of reality throughout the relationship. They failed to realize that feelings, not facts, formed the basis of their relationships.
As a result, they would ignore, bury or flat out deny conduct considered by most to be unfair, abusive, discriminatory or harassing.
The victim's emotional nature trusts that in the end, no matter how long it takes, goodness will triumph over evil. One day the victim eventually triumphs over a perceived abuser and becomes a hero, even if only for a moment.
The Dark Side of the Victim
Playing the victim role has its dark side, as do all the roles in The Plot.
The Dishonest Victim
Victims are usually too afraid to confront a person directly about a problem. Instead they will talk behind the person's back. The victim will long to expose someone else's inadequacies and make themselves feel good by comparison: "I may be bad, but let me tell you: He's ten times worse!"
The Irresponsible Victim
Everyone goes through a learning curve before mastering any subject. However, chronic victims refuse to participate in such an experience because they are too afraid of making a mistake and being rejected. This often happens in business relationships. For example, one partner may want to play it safe yet stands in awe of the other who is a real risk taker. He or she gladly lets the partner make all the mistakes and then cries "foul play" when anything goes wrong.
They will deny any responsibility for the joint failure, claiming they were just following along.
The Compulsive Victim
Unless everything is in exactly the right place, compulsive victims feel out of control. And that's a terrifying feeling. So they compensate by being overbearing, while in reality they are just afraid. Being in control to the point of excess can be a solution to handling fear. However, if even one thing slips, controllers can feel like they are in a spin.
Both of us have seen executives who fit this role. While outwardly successful, fear runs their lives. As a result, they rule with an iron fist and hesitate to delegate anything. Being this kind of person in today's leadership paradigm, which is the less I control, the more I will accomplish, can be a terrifying reality. These executives are often "running for their lives" to mask their fears.
They can destroy not only their businesses but also themselves and their loved ones in the process.
Victims in the Workplace
The history of victimhood in the workplace has evolved rapidly over the last 100 years. Over this time the workplace has quickly moved from physical to mental to emotional priorities. For the first 25 years or so of the last century, concerns about health and safety claimed the majority of victims. You may be familiar with the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire of 1911, where sweatshop workers were forced either to leap to their deaths or get burned in their building because the owners had blocked all means of exit during the workday.
Manufacturing environments existed throughout the country where children worked twelve-hour days, six days a week. Disease and physical injury were rampant in the factories during those years.
This period marked the beginning of modern workplace victimhood. Employees were cast as victims, and reporters and activists became the heroes as they sought to make villainous bosses abide by state-regulated health and safety laws. It was not until the passage of the Occupational Safety and Health Act in 1938 that the country had a uniform standard for workplace health and safety.
Workplace victims in the second quarter of the last century focused on the struggle to speak and act with a collective voice that could negotiate for a better wage and job security. Mass strikes and protests crippled some of the country's largest businesses. The struggle spilled out into the street and involved heavy-handed law enforcement. In the end, union activists and legislators came to the rescue and gave employees the power of collective bargaining-a power that union representatives have used to the considerable benefit and detriment of the workforce over subsequent years.
For the next quarter of century or so, the theme progressed past physical survival and became one of financial equality. Equal pay standards were demanded by women's groups. Minorities demanded equal access to jobs and other workplace opportunities. Particularly vulnerable during this time were southern blacks and recent immigrants. When this conflict spilled out onto the streets, the legislators acted as heroes once again, passing the Equal Pay Act and the Civil Rights Act and coming to the rescue of workplace victims.
The last 25 years of the twentieth century has taken workplace victimhood to new and elaborate heights. As a result, employees not only demand that they be treated equally, but that they be treated "fairly." Crafty lawyers argue there is a covenant of "good faith and fair dealing" included in every employment relationship. They champion employees who "blow the whistle" or claim to have been victims of misrepresentation or slander.
Don began his law practice in 1983 while this paradigm was rapidly developing to its present state. After years of late night study, he couldn't wait to play the hero role. People came to his office in droves complaining they had been harassed, discriminated against, slandered or otherwise treated unfairly. They demanded justice and wanted to triumph over evil. And advocate he did, making it his life's mission at great expense to personal, family and financial well-being. (Ever read the John Grisham story Civil Action? That was Don.) He believed that if he did a really good job representing workplace victims, not only would he help save them from pain, he would also teach those dastardly villains a lesson and change their way of treating people. As it turned out, that's seldom what happened.
The Death of Control
For most of the last century, The Plot in the workplace revolved around the notion of control. Management told employees to do exactly what they were instructed to do. They would be graded on a scale from one to five. Those who survived until they were 65 would get a pension. They would live in retirement for two years until they died at 67. (Anybody want that deal today?)
Then something changed: Overnight, a new understanding about control emerged. Suddenly everyone woke up to the fact that control over people or things does not generate the profitability, security or ego gratification they so deeply desire.
Business leaders are now coming to an understanding that managing a workforce doesn't have to be equated with control or struggle. Today's workplace is more about how people feel than ever before. Millions of people are searching for meaning in their daily efforts. The good news is that in today's environment the opportunity for becoming your own hero has never been greater!
Managing Victimhood
In troubling times, it's critical to acknowledge the frustration, grief and pain (e.g., "It's ok to feel the way I do"). You need to address your emotions with physicality, either by writing them down or by speaking into a mirror. That allows you to get "outside" of yourself. This is critical because you can't begin to heal until you let go of your pain.
Eventually, you can drill down and discover why you find yourself in difficult circumstances to begin with. What earlier experiences led to the beliefs and fears? What's the repeated conduct? Why does this seem so familiar? What's the lesson to learn?
Only then can you begin rebuilding your belief systems and learning your lessons so that you don't face similar circumstances in the future-so life doesn't become your personal Groundhog Day.
Just Do It
Victims are often plagued by depression. One of the best cures for this is physical activity. Don't think about what's getting you down for now. Just go to the gym, have lunch with friends, read a self-help book. Don't throw a pity party-do something! Besides, nobody really wants to hear your worries if you won't do something to better yourself.
Begin by starting to move ahead physically and your emotions will catch up. Take small steps with low risk. As you gain confidence you will find yourself comfortable with bigger steps and greater risks. And remember, if you do take full responsibility, you need not get sucked into The Plot.
Victim Exercises
Realize that whenever you are stuck in the victim role, you may have cast others in the villain or hero roles. You may have a preconceived idea of who you want that other person to be, which could be different from who they really are.
- Do you really know the people you work for and with? Are they really trustworthy? Or are you relying on an image of who you think they are or want them to be? Do these other people really know who you are? Or are you just a new character in an old play that began a long time ago? You'll know what the answer is if hear yourself often saying, "They don't understand me."
- Consider how your parents, bosses and other authority figures connected with you when you were a child. Do not bemoan how awful it might have been; just become conscious of victim scenarios you might still be acting out today. Then strive and triumph until you become your own hero. Former bad experiences you had will keep your emotional nature attracting similar situations and people to you, whether at home or at work, until you learn to become your own hero. And that's our emotional educational process. Each emotional scenario has "unfairness" embedded in it. One day you will triumph over the "unfairness" and become a hero without hurting yourself or anyone else in the process.
- There are many of us who are "running so hard" trying to keep up with our many delegations that we don't consciously create the time or space necessary to feed our emotional needs. Since our emotions demand attention, even "successful" people will find themselves throwing a pity party or creating unnecessary drama in order to "feel" something.
Have you stopped to check in with yourself lately? Do you even know how you feel? Or are you in fear that if you found out you may realize "I don't feel so good"? If that's the case the solution is not to run right past the need to feel, the solution is to consciously stop and give your emotions the attention they deserve. Meditation, exercise, spiritual quests and heartfelt conversations can go a long way in preventing you from adopting the victim mentality just so you can finally feel.
- To quote Joseph Campbell, the daily grind can be a "life-extinguishing affair." How can you bring a sense of meaning to the work you do every day? If you are an owner or manager, you may be all pumped up while the people working for you are dying on the vine, and you don't even realize it! How can you help bring a greater sense of meaning or passion to the work they do every day?
- One of the most important things a company can do is make sure they don't hire a victim. One of the most powerful questions to ask in an interview setting is "Tell me something in your last job that felt unfair." If they tell you "nothing," chances are they are probably lying. If they tell you something felt unfair, do like kids do and ask why, why, why? Get to the root of the problem, and their personality is on full display. Then ask that question again and again until you have exhausted their entire job history.
The Aquarius House Press
donphin.com, inc.