Reader Contributions

Reader Contributions

THE PLOT POEM~ A TRIBUTE TO LOY YOUNG

The timeless drama continues,
The Plot takes center stage.
Goodness Triumphs Over Evil,
emotions leading the way.

Victim, villain, and hero. We play all the parts'
blaming and justifying, breaking each other's hearts.
Playing roles we don't quite understand,
letting pain of the past ruin our perfect plans.

Let's tear off these masks
and run out the stage door!
We don't need this dramas
to learn our lessons anymore!

by Don Phin

AVOIDING WORKPLACE SELF-VICTIMIZATION BY BEING YOUR OWN HERO
By Bob

For every VILLAIN out there, you'll find 10 VICTIMS. This is a story about how I made myself a VICTIM and suffered considerably as a result. The purpose of this discussion is to help YOU to avoid a similar plight.

The Scenario
In December 1987, I was hired by a Big Five Accounting firm that had opened a consulting operation in its Orange County, California office. But less than 6 months after joining the company, it became apparent that personnel needs had been vastly over-estimated, relative to the amount of business the new consulting group was actually able to obtain. As a result, the manager of the new operation was forced to reduce expenses--meaning staff--as quickly as possible.

My Reaction
Upon being told that I was one of those chosen to leave, I reacted bitterly, blaming the boss for the venture's failure. Among my criticisms: (1) $100,000+ worth of consulting work had been performed for a client before the boss realized that the client had no way to actually pay for these services; (2) the boss failed to establish good working relationships with the accounting partners in the office--the best source of leads and referrals for the group's consulting work; and (3) he went on a hiring binge, that looked more like an attempt to build an empire, rather than a profitable consulting practice.

I was given one month to conclude my ongoing projects and offered two weeks severance pay. Having left an unexciting but secure job on the East Coast, I was incensed. I angrily denounced the boss, voicing the above-noted criticisms. A shouting match ensued. The same afternoon, I feverishly began contacting employment lawyers. I had achieved full-fledged victim status!

The Lawyer's Comment
I wanted revenge for what I "knew" was a clear case of wrongful termination. I was seeking a Hero in the form of an attorney who would "right" what I perceived to be a terrible wrong. Fortunately (although I didn't think so at the time), instead of accepting the case, the highly recommended lawyer commented "...unfortunately, a legal remedy doesn't always exist for every workplace injustice," and suggested that I do my best to accept the hand I had been dealt. Had he taken the case, the best possible outcome would have been a dragged-out legal battle that might have produced a modest financial settlement, albeit at substantial costs: continued anguish, energy expenditure, time, angst, and a sullied reputation within the industry in which I work. It's one thing for prospective employers and colleagues to know you've been laid off. Indeed, the stigma associated with involuntary job changes has all-but vanished. Perhaps this was the case in the gray-flannel suit days of the 50's and 60's, when companies were committed to retaining even their worst performers and avoiding layoffs unless they went out of business. Not so in today's fast-moving economy. On the other hand, it's quite another story when people in your industry know that you've instituted legal action against a former employer.

If I Had to Do it Over Again
First, I would recognize that the layoff wasn't about ME. Instead, it was about HIM. Specifically, my boss' failure to establish a viable consulting operation. My layoff was merely a way to help HIM solve HIS problem--the need to jettison expenses as quickly as possible. Instead of yelling upon being advised of the lay-off I would now immediately begin to negotiate.

What I Could Have Negotiated
First, I could have asked for 3 months severance pay instead of the 2 weeks offered. My work, while far from exemplary, was competent. In addition, accepting the job involved a significant relocation. Clearly, I had a strong case for a better deal. Most likely, we would have agreed upon 2 months' severance in return for a release of all claims. Second, I should have had him agree that my name would appear on the authors' page of a book that I participated in writing (along with others in the consulting group) during my tenure. As it turned out, the book, to which I had made substantial contributions, was published a year after I left--and my name was nowhere to be found within either the authors' or acknowledgements pages. Finally, I could have requested an explanation concerning the nature of the reference my boss was prepared to give me when contacted by prospective employers. While I doubt he would have put anything in writing, a promise to simply provide a "positive" reference would have allayed my fear of being blackballed--and spared me the four months of sleepless nights I spent agonizing about what he would say.

What He Had to Gain
Although I don't think he obsessed over it, the possibility of a wrongful termination lawsuit must have crossed my boss' mind. He probably consulted an attorney, prior to pulling the trigger, just to make sure he had all his ducks in a row. But had I signed a release in exchange for a better severance deal, this concern would have vanished.

It's also a small world; and an even smaller one, when you consider the multiplicity of industries and specialties that exist within it. What goes around usually comes around. So by dumping me callously, my boss forfeited the possibility of referrals and other favorable word-of-mouth his fledgling operation needed so badly. Had he done a better job of handling the situation, we could have parted friends and left open the possibility of future, mutually beneficial cooperation.

What He Could Have Done Differently
My boss was hardly an astute businessperson. Nor was he a sensitive human being. But he was a far cry from being a VILLAIN. Although I believed so at the time, he did surely didn't "have it in for me." Nevertheless, his handling of the situation left a great deal to be desired. Rather than suggesting that my performance was at the root of the layoff (if that were the case, why did he give me a month to wind up my ongoing projects?) he could have admitted at least some fault in hiring beyond his needs. He also might have expressed regret for the way things turned out. Perhaps a formal apology would have been asking too much. Corporate America just doesn't operate that way--although in selected instances, it may not be a bad idea. But he could have at least taken some responsibility for the outcome.

What I Lost

An extra $5,000 to $10,000 in severance pay
Credit for my contribution to the book
4 months of peaceful sleep, worrying about the kind of reference I would receive
Valuable future contacts, referrals, and the possibility of having business referred to me
Serenity and self-respect. What a waste it was for me to harbor so much hate for so many years!

The Lessons
When something bad happens in a workplace context, don't get angry. Instead, separate out your emotions and negotiate. Calmly assess the strengths inherent in your position. Unless they've done something thoroughly dishonest or violent, most employees have a lot more bargaining clout in lay-off situations than they realize. Then, within the context of maintaining your dignity and composure--but without being a sniveling pushover--negotiate the best deal you can.

The Bottom Line
This scenario clearly proves the adage "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."

Sometimes, you've just got to be a bigger person than the average guy--even if it hurts.

The next time you find yourself in a similar situation:

Refuse to brand yourself a VICTIM.
Do not seek a HERO to rescue you from the perceived VILLAIN.
Instead, be your own HERO!

This story applies to both the workplace as well as to the larger game of life.

Post Script
About a year and a half after I left. The consulting operation folded. My boss, who had been brought in as a partner (highly unusual for a non-accountant in a Big Five accounting firm), was not retained by the firm.

Thanks for your help, Bob.

"I was hit by a MAC truck" as a child, my father in the driver's seat. I never spoke a word of this to anyone and alienated myself from my family. After my parents divorced, my mother became physically abusive to my brother, sister and I. We never spoke a word of this to anyone and alienated ourselves from the outside world. I remember in sixth grade, while getting dressed for P.E. for the first time, gasps, then tears of the children around me, one running to get our P.E. coach who had me dress and sent me to the Dean's office. It had not occurred to me at that point to hide the bruises and welts. "What happened?" My staunch reply: "I fell down." I denied any accusations that would implicate my mother. My biggest fear was that my mother would find out I was sent to the Dean's office. This was before the mandatory reporting laws were in place - the Dean, Dean True, let me off with an excuse to not dress for P.E. when the occasion called for such. The last time my mother hit me I was 17, the year I graduated High School, the year I moved away from home - my brother and sister never graduated although they stayed home longer than I did. For the next 10 years we rarely spoke to one another. I worked, supported myself, had several relationships, all of which I remained emotionally detached. I knew how to keep the attention of a man, my father taught me that -- but I never let myself feel love or accept love from another, never sharing the secrets of my past. I was proposed to 7 times by the time I was 28 years old, in fact every relationship I had ended when the guy proposed I would escape like a thief in the night, never considering the trail of emotions I left behind. I had decided early on that I would be married at 28, so at 28, my 7 proposal, I stuck around for the wedding - my wedding day was the first time my husband Chris hit me - I was shocked, I had never had anyone other than my family abuse me, my guard was always up, vowed as a child not to be a victim even as the abuse was occurring I would detach as if it was happening to someone else, yet I married an abuser. We moved to Colorado where he had a teaching position at the University of Colorado and I started college, stayed married for 3 months, finished my degree in 3 years, then on to law school. Guard up, radar on . . . another trail of emotions. My last year of law school, I became engaged again to Don, an attorney in Washington state. I had lined-up an associate position in Washington, plans were laid, Don was safe, loved me, I didn't love him - I felt on-track, completely in control until a friend that I've know since 5th grade, Dan approached me with some unspoken truths - we had a 9 month (that was always my mark, 9 months and I was gone) relationship when I was 17 - at any rate Dan came to me and said he loved me, he had always loved me and he knew things about me that I thought no one knew - he lived in my neighborhood when I was growing up, people talked - he knew, he didn't know about my father, no one knew that. Dan caught me off guard, how could he know and still love me, I didn't t understand - what if Don knew? Dan was leaving for Mexico for 2 months for business, his last words to me were: "I'll be back, don't run away." Run away? I didn't know what he was talking about, why would I run away - I was fearless . . . In that 2 months that Dan was in Mexico, I graduated law school, broke my engagement with Don and married Michael, someone I only knew for 6 weeks. Michael and I moved to Washington, I started my associate position - I was back in control. After 6 months I called Dan, he said to come home. I told Michael I was going to my brother's in LA to study for the bar - which I did, but I never saw Michael again. I started going to counseling but still priding myself on my ability to outwit someone emotionally - I never really submitted to counseling. I started going to church with Dan, became a Christian but I never really submitted to the Lord - always holding back. Dan and I married. Then something different happened - I got pregnant with Levi, now I'm the mother, I was scared but committed to looking at myself, my mother, my father and changing the direction of my future. For the most part I did this, God reached out to me and I took hold, Dan and I continued with counseling, I was able to reconcile with my mother, I reconnected with my siblings, I felt on track, but a different track. The only thing I found difficult to reconcile was the abuse of my father - then I became pregnant with Olivia and realized I had to come to terms with this abuse to be a good mother to Olivia.

Here's where you stepped in . . . the presentation I met you at was not the Victims, Villains and Heroes but another in which you referenced Loy and afterwards you sent me an email version of the book - it was amazing, it didn't pigeon-hole me into one "personality type." I played all these parts, played them well in order to survive, this really gave me a significant break though, I had always aligned myself with my father, unwilling to be a victim, I was the villain, I was my father. I would wake up sometimes horrified and crying that his blood ran thru me, I could not separate myself from him even though I had only seen him twice in 27 years. Through reading the book , I realized I had to get off the stage with him, it would no longer be "our" secret - it could be his secret, not mine. In a vision it came to me, a huge green rolling meadow divided by a shabby crude fence, my father and I on one side of the fence and everyone I had ever know on the other, my family, Dean True, vague remembrances of people whom I may have know, but never knew. I turned to my father, released his hand and climbed over the fence getting a few splinters along the way - and it was done, my life changed.

Since, my relationship with my husband is strong and I am 100% for my children. I told my mother about my father's abuse and how I always believed I deserved her abuse because of what had happened with my father - our relationship is still a work-in-progress, but its healing as is my relationship with my brother and sister whom always harbored resent for me because my father "favored" me . . .

Jane D.

How to Stay Out of the Plot and In Your Heart When Beginning Anything New
by Loy Young

Really look for every possible good thing you did..... so you can maintain or enhance. Be very thorough as this step will connect yourself with your own heart. Get feedback from others that were a part of the experience, but carefully ask them to help you first discover the good..
How could you enhance what was already good the next time or what would you do to ensure you would maintain these good points?
From being in this heart place about yourself and your experience, then make a list of what you know you could improve to make it better the next time. Don't overwhelm yourself, small steps of what you know the very next time you do the same thing you could improve.
Now you might talk to someone that went through the experience with you also and tell them the good that you perceived in yourself that you are going to maintain or enhance as well as the improvements you are going to be doing. Ask them if they would help you by letting you know anything they say you could improve the next time. In other words, teach them to speak to you in terms of gradients.

The above steps move you from being vulnerable in starting anything new up to 40% without swinging over to 80% from the hurt you cause yourself by being critical of yourself or letting anyone else be critical of you.

What you are wanting to do is to set up an environment where you can constantly be improving yourself and taking responsibility for moving yourself up to 40% which eliminates having to learn from crisis type mistakes. It's a more gentle and heartfelt way of being a hero for yourself and teaching others how to be helpful with you also.

Love,
Loy

more to come...

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